Caper Shallot Mayonaise

There is a theater in Portland called the Bagdad (http://www.mcmenamins.com/index.php?loc=9&id=176)
You can go watch movies and drink great beer and eat pizza. There are a few other theaters that have adopted this concept.
Hello, Alamo Draft House, I see you there in Austin.
But I am pretty sure the Bagdad , if not the original, is a progenitor.
It has a restaurant up front with maybe 60 seats inside and another 20 along the sidewalk.
The restaurant menu is Pacific Northwest pub food. They also have good pizzas.
A secret that regulars know: you can only get pizza in the theater, but you can take stuff from the restaurant into the theater.
So.
If you want the chilled artichoke with caper mayo in the theater? Walk over to the restaurant and get yourself one and then walk your happy ass back to your seat and watch the movie.
I first saw Pulp Fiction there. I drank a Hammerhead Ale and had a slice of pepperoni mushroom pizza and a chilled artichoke with caper mayo. As Pharrell would say? Cot Damn!
So why am I talking about the Bagdad?
I stole their caper mayo and made it better and I'm going to give you the recipe.
I added shallots and garlic and lemon. ( and a few other things...I'll get to that I assure you)
I'm not going to try and act like this is all mine...however, I am pretty sure my version is more complex, has more depth.
Anyway, it's served with artichokes but whatever you have left over makes for awesome tunafish salad. Add some finely diced dill pickle and the mayo to a can of tuna.
Oh.... a word about artichokes? Did you ever stop to wonder who first had the idea to steam and eat this thing? Seriously, there is nothing about the artichoke that makes you want to eat it at first glance.
I have 2 theories:
1) it was a dare or a bet...some asshole said to his buddy, "man, I'll eat anything" so his friend broke out an artichoke, "eat this motherfucker!"
2) very, very poor people cooked anything non-lethal and ate it. It's the Anthony Bourdain principle. He has talked about how some of the best recipes in the world come from poverty. Do you think people ate snails out of choice? No they had nothing else.
Anyway. So here it is...
I don't know that I have a single recipe that you must follow to the letter so if you like one ingredient more than another feel free to fudge the amounts...just don't blame me if you don't like the results..you're the one that fucked with my recipe.

1 & 1/2 to 2 cups mayo (depending on the mayo you use and how rich or bland you need your dip)
1 small shallot bulb (maybe even just a half, this is strong stuff)
1 medium to large garlic clove (So, just how much do you like garlic? Act accordingly. If you want 2 bulbs, do it. It won't ruin this dish. Just make sure you have mints handy.)
1-2 lemon slices squeezed. (The freshest, best lemons you can find, if Meyers are at hand go there. If you have a tree in your backyard? God bless you, you lucky devil, pick the fattest juiciest bastard you can.)
A pinch or more of dry ranch dressing. (I know, how did this guy get to the party? Trust me, dry ranch has a magical quality that unifies recipes. It somehow makes flavors coalesce faster...if I thought y'all could handle it I would actually replace this with MSG, it has the same effect...but the propaganda machine has killed MSG. We'll get to that later..Trust me on the dry ranch shit though.)
Some fresh ground pepper...maybe some chili flakes?
Capers!
Hey, this is the one we have all been waiting for.
2-3 small handfuls of brined capers (drained)

Ok lets make this thing.

First the capers.
Scoop out a small handful from the jar. When you squeeze it out it should be the equivalent of ...lets say 2 or 3 pieces of chewing gum? So you get your small handful, rinse water through your hand, squeeze it, rinse water through that, squeeze it, rinse again and squeeze.
That's one handful rinsed.
You need 2 or 3.
Set that aside.
Now, on your cutting board...put the garlic, shallots....dice the hell out of that.Throw down the capers..dice a little more. (you want the capers a little coarser)
Once it is all finely diced, marinate it in the lemon juice.
Not long, but you want a little bit of flavor marriage... maybe 10-20 minutes. Acid breakdown and all that jazz.
Now take your mayo and mix it all together. Grind 5 or 6 revolutions some fresh pepper. Toss those few pinches of Ranch.
Now...
Here is where I need you to use discretion.
Does it seem like it's too chunky? A bit more mayo.
Kinda bland? More garlic or shallots.
Not enough bass? Not funky enough for you?
More capers.

Postscript:
Lets talk about the Mayo.
Your favorite mainstream brand will be just fine.
But, I recently picked up some all natural Wild Oats mayo at Whole Foods...
Wow.
I'm not a huge fan of mayonnaise but this stuff is the bomb.
I can't tell you how different this made the dip...
I had an in-law that hated mayo because she hated eggs. I know eggs are a major component of mayo but I never tasted eggs in mayo...until I bought this Whole Foods stuff...
It is very eggy, very rich, with a mustard undertone to it.(I checked the ingredients, there is mustard in it).
It added another dimension to the dip, infinitely richer and more complex.
Turns out not all mayonnaise is created equal.
(I know that it should read 'equally' because it's an adverb. But it's a play on the line from the constitution and I don't really feel like I am quite at the point where I can edit the constitution)